By Mirabelle Summers
Author of Get A Great Guy Guide
If you want genuine men and not just any man, this will challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
5 Middle-Aged Dating Problems (And Their Fix!)
Are you in your 40’s or 50’s, and trying to find the right man?
I’ve recently been hearing from a lot of middle-aged women who are really struggling in the dating scene, and are finding that things like online dating haven’t been working as well for them as they had hoped.
I’m going to use this article today to raise a few of the common issues that these women have been facing and try to help you get some perspective on how to work through these. As it seems that the realities of middle-aged dating are a topic which isn’t talked about enough.
No matter what age you are, you do deserve to be happy and have a great man by your side.
I’d really appreciate comments about whether you are experiencing any of these same issues, or whether your experience of dating in mid-life has been different. It would also be great to hear any of your success stories!
Issue #1: Age-old problems
They say that once you’re past your twenties, age shouldn’t matter when it comes to finding a partner (as long as they are legal of course!). But unfortunately, it seems that age can still be a roadblock when it comes to dating in your 40’s and beyond.
The first issue is that people often lie about their age on online dating websites in order to appear more attractive, meaning you can never really tell what age someone actually is.
But what middle-aged women are also finding is that often men around their age who they are interested in on online dating websites seem to only want to go for younger women.
And surveys have pointed to the fact that as men age, they do generally become more attracted to younger women. But this does not mean to say that ALL men in middle age are going for younger women, or that younger men aren’t ever attracted to older women.
I guess one reality is that a 50-year old currently childless man may still desire to have children, and this could be a possibility for him is he finds a partner of childbearing age. However, it is not very often that this is the case.
Some women also have worries about the idea of going for a younger man, especially if they have children. They fear the social stigma that will come with this – that their families or friends will think less of them because of it.
But in fact, in mid-life it really isn’t age which matters. At this time, your age doesn’t necessarily correlate with things like your mindset, interests, activity and fitness levels – people go through life stages differently.
At this time in your life, it’s more about finding a partner who is compatible with you in areas such as personality, interests, life goals and lifestyle, rather than being the same age. There are probably men out there who are younger, the same age, or older than you who would all suit you well.
So one general piece of advice I’d give is to be open-minded and broaden your age-range criteria when looking for a potential partner, especially when internet dating. You don’t want to end up selling yourself short!
And don’t feel the need to lie about your own age – a decent guy will judge you on all the positive attributes you have to offer, not your age.
Issue #2: Struggling to meet the right kind of man
Many women are struggling with meeting men, even when they are using online dating or going to ‘singles’ events.
From what I’ve heard from readers, there seems to be two types of single middle-aged men out there in the online dating world.
The first kind are those who are just looking for a casual fling or ‘no-strings-attached’ arrangement, who use phrases such as “I’ve just got out of a long-term relationship and have been hurt in the past, so am not looking for anything serious right now but do want to meet a fun woman to spend time with”.
And then there are those who are actually looking for a relationship. These men are sick of dating and meaningless encounters and really just want to settle down with someone who they can rely on and share a life with. And believe me – these men are out there.
But unfortunately, some women have the experience of consistently finding those men who are just after a good time. Or being put off after experiencing a few unsuccessful dates with men, consistently being disappointed that they didn’t live up to their online profiles.
So how can you meet men if not online?
It’s not always easy, but one of the best ways to meet men is truly through mutual interests, as you already have a lot in common. But in order to meet them this way, you actually need to partake in these interests and make a commitment to them. For instance, participating in a weekly class, social sports team, or volunteering for an organization.
Going just one time to a class or place is unlikely to result in you meeting the new love of your life, but if you keep it up it just may happen a year or so down the track. People often do things at regular times. For example, going to the gym at a certain time each day, or a certain class each week. So become a regular in whatever activities you enjoy.
There really are little opportunities to meet people all the time, if you just keep living your life the way you want to be. For instance, do you have a dog? Try making regular trips down to your local dog park – you never know who you might meet.
If you’re religious, church can be a great way to meet a man who has similar values to you. A lot of people also meet through mutual friends, so the more friends you have and the more you socialize with them, the more likely you are to meet someone.
And if you ARE giving online dating a crack, make sure you actually make a commitment to being a ‘regular’ on any dating sites you have joined – if you don’t check your profile often and respond to messages, then you may really be losing out.
Issue #3: Feeling socially isolated
A common issue a lot of single middle-aged women are struggling with is the knock they have experienced to their social life after going through a divorce or relationship break-up, or watching all their single friends get snapped up.
For instance, finding that you are invited to a lot less social events because your friends and their partners like to have ‘couple friends’ over, and you no longer fit the description.
And then you have the other side of the stick – where you do get invited out, but it always ends awkwardly. For example, being at a table full of couples and having someone bring up the topic of your singledom, only to be followed by a room full of sympathetic faces and offers of match-making. If there was ever a time for that hole in the ground to open up, it would be now.
Whether you are in the situation of your single friends suddenly becoming all coupled up and ditching you for nights of cuddles on the couch, or becoming divorced and then experiencing a sudden loss of invitations to dinner parties from friends, it hurts, and can make life feel really lonely.
To try to get yourself out of this funk, you could try organizing a ‘ladies weekend’ or ‘ladies night’ to have a chance to just hang out with your girlfriends and a break from feeling like the awkward 7th wheel. This might give you more of a chance to talk to your friends about your love life and get advice while their partners aren’t all around.
Plus, men are more likely to approach a group of women than one in which there are males present, so if you end up going out somewhere, your chances of meeting someone are increased.
Surround yourself with positive people, and those who have always been there for you. If you’re lonely, join some new clubs or sign up to classes – learning new things is a great way to make you feel revitalized and fresh, as well as occupying your time and providing social opportunities.
Go for making friends first, and you might even meet a great guy along the way. And always take up people’s social offers – you might actually have a really good time and make some good friends through it.
It’s a lot harder to find a man when you’re feeling really lonely and socially isolated. When you’re feeling positive about your social life outside of intimate relationships, attracting a man to you will come a lot more naturally.
Issue #4: Feeling ‘past it’
Women in middle age can feel like dating is something which only the young and beautiful do.
Things like physical appearance and fitness may have been neglected a bit over the years, due to putting the needs of family and work first. Therefore, they may feel like they can never measure up to all the other women out there.
Too often, women see wrinkles, dimples, greying hair, and other signs of aging as proof that they’ll never attract a man. This not only becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, but also makes them give up on the idea of even trying to work on their appearance.
You do want to look your best – but let me repeat, YOUR best. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else – no one is perfect, and everyone is looking for slightly different things in a partner.
So, maybe you don’t look the same as you did when you were 20. But you aren’t trying to attract a 20-year old guy anymore! You don’t expect a potential partner to be in perfect shape and have not a single grey hair, do you? Then why would you expect this of yourself? You may have aged, but remember, so have men.
Obviously, in online dating, you want to present a profile that shows yourself at your best. But you also want to be clear about who you are and what you are looking for. So throw out the idea of putting a younger, slimmer photo of yourself as your profile picture.
You don’t want any men you meet up with in real life to instantly think “That’s not what her profile showed” – just like you don’t want to be fooled yourself.
If you have suffered from painful relationship break-ups, this may have really knocked your self-esteem. You may have even had the horrible experience of having a partner who made you believe you are less than you really are.
If this is the case, say these affirmations out loud to yourself right now:
“I am a woman of value”.
“I am a woman who has a lot to offer”.
“I am a women who naturally attracts men”.
“I am a woman who men want to be with”.
These truths CAN be YOUR truths, if you allow them to be. Relying on other people to maintain a positive self-image and self-esteem isn’t healthy – this has to come from within ourselves.
So start by letting yourself off the hook – be rid of any of these negative ideas about having to be ‘perfect’ for someone to love you. Because this is simply not the case!! For someone, you ARE perfect.
And don’t feel that you need to go out to the bars and nightclubs you went to in your 20’s in order to meet someone. There are so many better ways you can go about finding a great man in mid-life, it just takes opening your eyes to become aware of the opportunities around you.
Issue #5: Feeling shame, failure and guilt
Unfortunately, one thing which really holds a lot of middle-aged women back from allowing themselves a chance at love is the shame and failure they can feel at being single.
This can be the case whether a woman has never met someone right and has never married, or has gone through a divorce. If they have always been single, women can feel unattractive, unloved, and hold the views that they will never be ‘good enough’ to attract a man.
If they have gone through a divorce, they can feel ashamed and have a sense of being incapable of ‘keeping a man’ or maintaining a relationship. Especially if they are mothers, women can also feel guilt about wanting to find a new partner, as if they are putting themselves before the needs of their children.
But remember, your children ultimately want you to be happy, even if they may struggle with the idea of you dating at first. And as long as you still are meeting their needs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone new.
It’s time to let go of these self-destructive feelings, and replace them with positive self-views. Maybe things didn’t work out in your past relationship or marriage. And sometimes relationships just don’t go the way you’d wanted them to – this is a part of life!
But don’t let guilt, shame, or fear of failing hold you back. Be fair to yourself – you deserve to be loved and you aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t try. As they say, you have to be in it to win it!
The most essential piece of advice I can give you right now is to start enjoying your life, appreciating all the good things you have, and living it the way you want to.
If you can do this, you will automatically find you start attracting good things (and men) into your life.
If you want genuine men and not just any man, let us challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
No games. No scripted lines. Real life dating advice for real women!