By Carlos Cavallo
Author of Complete Commitment
Do You Want A Commitment From Him? Here’s the roadmap to getting his…
3 Signs You’re Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men – How To Know…
Woody Allen once famously said:
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to… Women learn to feel attracted to the man they fall in love with…
I think Woody hit it right on the head. And it’s one of the most important realizations we can have about how romance and relationships REALLY work.
Men are looking for the attraction first, and women can often hold off on that if they find the KIND of man they want. It’s not right or wrong – it just IS.
Look, I’m guessing you’re not a 20 something that gets drunk and stupid at the clubs, yelling out “oh my god! I LOVE this song! Woohoo!”
Am I right?
If I am right – and you’re a woman that’s ready for more, then you will want to hear what I have to say here…
Oh, I know that’s going to send many of my fans showing up at my house with burning torches, crying “Send out the monster!”
But that won’t stop me from being right…
Sure, some guys are out of touch with their emotions, but most are not. What most magazines, gurus, books, and television shows tell you is “emotional unavailability™” is actually something else in disguise.
I’ll tell you what it is in a minute. But first – let me shock you again:
Mature men in your target zone do NOT think like the meatheads that went to clubs in their 20s.
Sure, some act like it, but that’s a lack of enlightenment. And you probably aren’t interested in them.
You want to find the right guys, the ones that are attracted to YOU – and YOU are attracted to them.
So I’m going to give you 3 Signs the man you’re with is emotionally unavailable.
Because I want you to avoid the guys that are wasting your time. And we both know that guys that aren’t there for you emotionally are a huge time waster. You know these guys can’t really commit their heart to you.
So let’s avoid them right from the start…
You’re Dating A Guy Who Can’t Commit – Sign 1: He’s NOT in touch with himself…
For most men, being “emotionally available” is not just about sharing his feelings with you – or about his EXPRESSION of his emotional state.
NEWSFLASH: Men will probably never show emotions on the same level as a woman will. At least at not as diversely.
Being “Emotionally Available” is about his openness with YOU and himself. His availability is about where he is right now emotionally and his willingness to sit with that discomfort, instead of running away – or presenting it as “all fixed” or all sorted out.
This signal also includes the not-so-subtle way a guy will seem to never accept the blame for anything in the relationship.
HINT: If he’s still blaming his ex (and all past exes) for relationships not working, you’ve got a problem.
One Exception: If he’s had past relationships with women that blamed him for everything, to the point of emotional abuse.
However, a mature man knows what his contribution is to any relationship problems. Or he at least suspects them. So you have to be able to separate these two situations and see them clearly.
A man has to be able to own up to his role and actions in the relationship. This is what it means to be in touch with himself.
If he’s still ducking out any kind of accountability, you’re going to have an uphill battle for years to come.
- Is he a superficial guy? Entranced with the appearances?
- Is he a guy that’s deeply vain about his own appearance?
- Is he able to connect with people that he doesn’t need anything from?
- Can he hold a “deep” conversation about… well, anything?
He needs to have the skills of holding more deep thoughts than Joey on “Friends.”
Most legitimately emotionally unavailable men have a clear pattern in their relationships, and it reveals their emotional maturity in detail.
You should do your best to find out if he’s got a pattern like this:
- Starts out hot and heavy. He’ll move to sex really fast, not because that’s ALL he wants. It’s because he’s bypassing intimacy to stay comfortable in his pattern. He may even have genuine feelings for you, but he doesn’t know how to handle them…
- Starts out with ALL the right moves. He’s well rehearsed at the opening stages of a relationship because he practices them – A LOT. Simply because he doesn’t get much further before walking away…
- Starts to grow impatient with the non-sexual part of relating. This is where the cracks start to show. He’ll start to withdraw as he runs into his own limitations in relating to someone else’s needs…
- Eventually cheats or breaks off the relationship to pursue someone new to start a new pattern with. He’s probably hoping that The One will be happy to have him and not demand his emotional engagement and communicating feelings. Of course, he’s always disappointed and moving on yet again…
Mind you, this pattern is what you’re probably used to. And I’m here to tell you that – just because he pulls away from you, that does NOT mean he’s emotionally unavailable – or shut down. Or even “narcissistic.”
These are popular labels that many of the self-righteous gurus out there use to put on men to make us seem like the “broken” or “defective” ones.
I’ll come back to this in a minute…
But let’s finish this with:
He’s Emotionally Shut Down – Sign 3: He Just Won’t “Go There…”
Relationships require a lot of self-awareness, to be sure. But when your man won’t entrust your communication and level of intimacy by “going there” with you, you will have a struggle.
What I mean by “THERE” is that place where our insecurities and faults lie.
Relationships succeed most when the “ugly” parts are fully recognized – AND ACCEPTED.
EXAMPLE: I can be really impatient when I’m pushed to a limit.
I know it and seek to keep that part of me out of the way when it comes up. My wife and family accept this about me and also talk about it when it comes up. Without that ability to “go there,” I’d look like just about every “emotionally unavailable narcissist” out there. Even if it’s just my flaws coming up at the moment.
And sometimes that impatience is something I decide to NOT let go of at the moment. But at least I’m aware of it.
This particular sign of emotional withdrawal (or “unavailability”) of not talking about flaws usually shows itself as a sudden, powerful defensiveness. It’s often painful to run into because it feels like you hit a brick wall at 60 miles per hour.
Angry defensiveness works for most guys. We have this routine down pat.
- Men go to anger very quickly. It’s our “go-to” emotion. As quickly as many women go to tears, men go to rage…
- Women tend to fear to confront a man’s anger. It feels like disconnection to her, so she accommodates and avoids his anger by trying her best to not trigger it. And yeah, I don’t blame you – it can be kinda scary in some men… (Some GUYS avoid other men for the same reason.)
- Men KNOW women react this way and often use our anger as a way to push you back from the edges of our feelings. It’s kinda like a porcupine’s quills keeping us in a safe zone…
So it sometimes takes a bit of loving, strong patience on your part to get past this wall. If you can, you’ll be rewarded by his loyalty and trust. And the wall around his heart will grow weaker with every ounce of patience.
Frankly, most women can’t do this. It’s a skill, one that I have to teach. Because when you run into his wall, the first thing in you that will get triggered is your own EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL.
So when you hear the term “strong woman” – NOW you know what that means! Strong enough to not let his abrasive B.S. push you away from your own loving acceptance.
The truth is that many women have been brought up in the last 40 years or so with the idea that men should be compared to a woman. After all, a woman’s level of connectedness, emotionality, and way of being in a relationship is what a relationship SHOULD BE, right?
Well, yes – and NO.
I believe women are the stewards of the relationship and are better at it than men –intuitively. Naturally.
BUT that does NOT mean that men should be compared like this in a way that makes them appear emotionally crippled. Nor should men be held to a standard which is not necessarily their strength. (Would you want to be held to a standard of a man’s physical strength?)
After all, a man could be just as right to say that women are “wrong” for not being able to look at a situation LOGICALLY or RATIONALLY. Or that she’s wrong for wanting so much emotional communication.
Where do you judge the limits of “right” and “wrong” to be for emotional communication?
There’s another truth here:
You might not know this given all the literature devoted to making men look like emotionless robots. There are probably as many women that are TOO emotionally available, in fact, as there are men in the other camp.
So let me assure you that most men are VERY emotional. In fact, what often appears to you as a man who is “emotionless” is simply a guy who doesn’t really spend a lot of time in that “think about my feelings” state. And men are cultured to hide their feelings.
Guys are simple like that. We feel & forget pretty quickly.
Most men will never have a desire to go DEEP into their emotional states. We men can feel them, but do not get a lot of satisfaction from extensive analysis of our feelings.
There is a shortcut into a man’s heart – a way past all the defenses, walls, and obstacles that he puts up between you and his love…
It’s a roadmap I created to show you how to get in his heart – and get him to eagerly commit to you…
I want to reveal the CUPID EFFECT – and how it works to get him to open up to you – faster, and with all his heart…